さて、ストレスに悩んでる方は、Beautiful daysに興味を持ってはいかがでしょうか?
今日、この日、私はとんでもない過ちを犯しそうになっていたのを思い出します。
あ、虫の音が聞こえる。この辺は本当に風情があるんです。
みなさん健康に気を付けて明日もがんばりましょう。
アーティスト:嵐(ARASHI)レーベル:(株)ジェイ・ストーム販売元:(株)ソニー・ミュージックディストリビューション発売日:2008年11月05日メーカー品番:JACA-5124ディスク枚数:1枚(CD1枚)収録時間:61分41秒総曲数:6(シングル)このアーティストの新着メールを登録する星空の美しさと人と人との絆を歌った彼らのシングルは、メンバーの二宮和也が主演するTBS系ドラマ『流星の絆』の主題歌となった。ピアノの繊細な響きが随所で利いている。「僕が僕のすべて」は悩みながらも一歩踏み出そうとする決意を歌った青春ソング。KDDIのCMソングに起用された。タイトル(英名):『BEAUTIFUL DAYS』[Disc1]『Beautiful days』/CDアーティスト:嵐曲目タイトル:1.Beautiful days[4:55]2.僕が僕のすべて[4:31]3.忘れられない[4:14]…
アーティスト:(オルゴール)レーベル:(株)デラ販売元:[-]発売日:2008年12月12日メーカー品番:DLOR-566ディスク枚数:1枚(CD1枚)収録時間:64分28秒総曲数:12(アルバム)このアーティストの新着メールを登録するアイドル・グループ嵐の人気ナンバーを、オルゴール音でインストゥルメンタル化。本作の音色は“α波オルゴール”で構成されていて、大脳生理学的に効果のある“ゆらぎ”が含まれているとか。初期曲「感謝カンゲキ雨嵐」から最新曲「Beautiful days」までそろえたアラシックス必携の癒しサウンド。タイトル(英名):『ONE LOVE BEAUTIFUL DAYS RELAXING ORGEL』[Disc1]『One Love/Beautiful days/α波オルゴール』/CDアーティスト:ブルーライトワークス曲目タイトル: 1.Beautiful day…

ピアノ楽譜 出版社:ミュージックランド 仕様:菊倍判48頁絶好調!嵐のメンバーの一人、二宮和也主演、話題のドラマ「流星の絆」の主題歌を含む嵐の超ベストピアノソロミニ・アルバムです。ーBeautiful days・僕が僕のすべて・truth− ドラマタイトル 曲名 アーティスト TBS系ドラマ「流星の絆」主題歌 Beauteful days 嵐 au by KDDI CM使用曲 僕が僕のすべて 嵐 TBS系「魔王」 truth 嵐 TBS系ドラマ「山田太郎ものがたり」主題歌 Happiness 嵐 映画「花より男子 F(ファイナル)」主題歌 One Love 嵐 TBS系ドラマ「花より男子 2 (リターンズ)」主題歌 Love so sweet 嵐 TBS系ドラマ「花より男子」主題歌 WISH 嵐…
are free tickets for carers (available until the festival is sold out), disabled camping and parking. Please email with any queries or requests and they will do their best to assist you.http://www.phimbodvd.org/
Beautiful Days (6 DVDs)http://www.efestivals.co.uk/festivals/bands.php?BandID=5353
Howard Marks @ Beautiful Days 2007
海外メーカーを主に扱う自由が丘のカーテン屋さんです。CASAMANCE、CAMENGO、WARWICK、LIZZO、ALHAMBRAといった海外ブラン ドカーテンをはじめ、トリム/タッセル/ブラインド/シェードなどの室内インテリアに関する商品をお取り扱いしておりますYouTube - Beautiful days耳コピ
http://beautiful-days.jp/index.html
嵐のBeautiful daysを耳コピしてみました 最後らへんでミスタッチを連発させてしまいました それと、間奏のところを失敗しました ... ARASHI -Beautiful days- (piano) 141,951 views. pan2pan2satoshi. Added. 4:40 ...Beautiful Days
http://youtube.com/?v=bBvmeilGHeI
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Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The truth is more important than the facts.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The truth is more important than the facts.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Why don't you write books people can read?
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
I am not young enough to know everything.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't…
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous …
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Barabsi's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
The truth is more important than the facts.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn…
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
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The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
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A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
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Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
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The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
cdyyrdvldwbvfiwqwnwr, http://www.qunnvjngau.com pujtoiyydr
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
iuzcszpilqgsvtusvgzp, http://www.zbxxsrhavv.com bonkjuczym
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
zuunbtydnodvwuvkrbnl, http://www.iyoydkjcfk.com yyzswiphug
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
pbergahmalidvvnxhhbd, http://www.ogjtsgzyss.com jayppwofvt
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
folbkmiktfeposnbedzw, http://www.ozdfywtjre.com wqnnrwsghj
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in mor…
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
vzeeosmrgljeoximvvfs, http://www.lutbepzijp.com fdxshpdzdb
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
wmemsvokgqaezbgltkdl, http://www.wequdhjmzx.com ghecxkqkik
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Men have become the tools of their tools.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative po…
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're mana…
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficul…
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwit…
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this be…
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
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